Schmoozing

So last night’s big fun was going down to the Castro theater and seeing “Laughing Matters” at the G&L film festival. Lynn is friends with the producer and her L.A. contingent, and invited me to the before-screening party, but Gloria and I were shoveling down dinner at Fuzio’s and by the time we got to the theater, they wouldn’t let us inside.

So we stood out in that blasting arctic wind for 45 minutes waiting for the previous movie to get out. I hate winter. Oh, right! It’s June! Don’t let deevalish fool you with stories about how pleasant the weather is in this town. It has been friggin’ freezing lately. I have this theory that the true cause of global warming is that all the cold air everywhere in the world has concentrated off shore above Ocean Beach and is now blowing through the streets of San Francisco.

Anyway, we finally get into the movie, which is actually a pair of shorter documentary films about lesbian comedians, both cracking-up funny. Then I meet up with Lynn to go to this after-screening party at a downtown hotel.

Lots of schmoozing with the L.A. types–producers, a couple of the actual comedians featured in the film, their entourage(s), and of course a few local San Francisco movers and shakers. Free cocktails. But of course it’s Sunday night, a work night, and there isn’t going to be any late-night partying for me.

Gloria didn’t go to the after-screening party, she had to catch a plane to New York this morning to go on her QE2 cruise to England. She asked me if I wanted a copy of the “adult cover” version of the latest Harry Potter while she was in London. I told her I’d rather have the first book (seeing as I haven’t read any of them), and that I wouldn’t mind having a copy that says “Philosopher’s Stone” instead of “Sorcerer’s Stone”. Americans are such peasants!

Taking the red pill

The Matrix starts out with intriguing promise: you know exactly where it’s going–Neo’s world isn’t real–but that’s cool. You want to see what they’ll do with that, especially after Morpheus says to him,

“You’ve felt it your entire life. That there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind.”

Then he wakes up in that vat in the “real world” and it’s so chilling!

After that, the movie falls into a familiar ennui-filled post-apocalyptic sci-fi mode that is broken only by action!packed moments of gratuitous violence. The basic premise behind the future world is incredibly lame–machines harvesting people for energy? Puh-lease. There are much more efficient ways to create energy. This was something someone made up at the last minute to have an excuse to keep humans locked up in virtual reality.

The philosophical quandary the movie’s premise turns on is also nothing new. It’s a contemporary spin on an empiricist brain-teaser that’s been around since the 17th century–“just because we can sense things with our five senses, does that make them real?” Philosophers call this “problem of the external world”. Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s “Normal Again“, in which Buffy is shown switching disorientingly back and forth between the story world we’ve come to know on the show where she is a small-town superhero, and another life, in which she is institutionalized and only imagines she’s a small-town superhero, did a better job of driving home that philosophical dilemma and its existential horror.

The one genuine truth to come out of this movie is the absurdity of our socially constructed reality. When I was a teenager, I had this fantasy that I suddenly fell and found myself looking back up at my life as if it was a play on a stage. At that moment, I realized that everyone around me, including myself, was an actor playing a role. Suddenly I didn’t know what was real, what was genuine, what was “really me” or “really you,” or if asking for genuineness was even meaningful. You see, unlike The Matrix or “Normal Again”, there is (probably) no conspiracy of machines or demons or other sinister Others creating a false reality for us: we do it to ourselves. We create social rules and mores, roles and constructs for each other, and we create them as individuals for ourselves. And we do it because we’re programmed by nature and nurture to have this deep need for a solid “reality” to live in.

That’s why Normal Again demonstrated the philosophical “problem of the external world” better than The Matrix. Because when Cypher says he wishes he’d taken the blue pill, you know he knows he’s accepting a lie. He wants to live a lie, and it’s made quite clear in the universe of the movie that the world create by the machines is the false world. Buffy is never quite sure which world is the real world. Both worlds–the world of the Sunnydale superhero, and the world of the asylum–are presented by the narrative as in some sense products of her mind and her conflicted needs. Not for Cypher. In the narrative of The Matrix, there is a real world and a fake world in the absolute metaphysical sense, and neither is a product of his needs and wants, he simply chooses one over the other due to his needs and wants.

Buffy, on the other hand, must make a choice between the superhero world and the asylum world without knowing which is “more real” in an absolute metaphysical sense, if either is. Both are presented as “created” out of her differing needs. The demon in the episode merely makes them come alive for her via magic. And in the end, when Buffy makes her choice, it is a choice between which is more real to her as an individual choosing the way she wants to live, as an individual choosing the way she wants to think about herself.

In my teenaged fantasy, I imagined myself superior to those around me because I fell off the stage of life and saw it in all its absurdity. I could see “reality” on a different level than those around me. Unlike them, I didn’t buy into the necessity of the social constructs. I was Neo, choosing the red pill. Yay, me. Now I understand it’s a little more complicated than that. Taking the red pill, seeing the basic non-necessity of our conception of the world, is only the first step. If there is a proper way to conceive the world, who knows if we are even capable of having that conception? We may just have to settle for building a new construct to live in. And that demands choices.

But if, like Morpheus and his gang, we do discover the proper conception world, we still have to live in it, build in it, create it. Cypher was unhappy in the “real world” because it was all fighting, a daily grind of bad food and fear of being caught. Was that “necessary”? Could they have built a better life for themselves in the “real world” than they did?

In so many ways, reality is a choice. So easy to say. But not easy to put into practice. Most of us just end up “taking the blue pill”–accepting the socially constructed world we happen to live in as unavoidably “real.”

Mini LJ meet!

It was officially a Bay Area board meet what with my hokey little “ATPoBtVS” sign and all, but there were several LJers there–masqthephlsphr, of course, and dherblay, deevalish, and cwx.

Pics of this grand event can be found here and here.

Good food, good wine (can’t speak for the beer myself), good Buffy-ific conversation, good company. See deevalish‘s description of the event here.

Enjoyed hanging with dherblay and cwx afterwards as well.

And thanks to d’H and his mom for the ride home!

Good yummy garlicy left-overs for today’s lunch.

See everyone in Vancouver tomorrow!

The weekend

Guernville was beautiful. More beautiful than I remember it. Last time I went up there was years ago and I pretty much stuck to the same woodsy campground the entire weekend because all I wanted to do was sit by the fire and write. Wasn’t into listening to the women’s music divas like my camping companions at the time.

So I didn’t get to see things like Armstrong woods back then, which is where I went hiking this weekend. Some hiking trails! All up hill, but when you finally get to the top, it’s totally worth it. Trees stretching on for miles. Green. Birds. Peace, until the other hikers come tromping along. I thought I was in shape from all those San Francisco hills, but I had to stop every ten feet and take a breath.

I actually did stop in a few places and journal as well, like old-fashioned journaling with a pen and a piece of paper and a nature-inspired attitude. Very peaceful. Nice. Shady. Surrounded by tall trees on all sides. Not like the city where I don’t even live close to any parks, and even if I did, if I went walking in them, they’d be full of joggers and you’d still hear the sirens wailing a few blocks away.

I so wanted to get away from all that. So needed to. When I was growing up and went camping, the middle of the woods, surrounded by pine trees, crunching brush underneath my feet, the scent of dust, that was the only place I truly felt peaceful. Spiritual. I wanted that back, so even though my friends and I were camping in a busy little rustic “resort”, I drove miles over to the Armstrong woods to be alone and commune with the redwoods. They really are red.

I wish I could say it relaxed me. Maybe it did, for brief seconds at a time. But I wanted the tree canopy and the exhausting climb to leech the tension out of me until I was bled dry and it didn’t. I’m in the woods and I’m not feeling what I want to be feeling. What being there did do to me was make me realize that I’m wound up like a top. Like a top that’s read to spin out of control into a relaxed, slack state, except that I can’t seem to do that. In the city, you expect to be wound up, so you stop noticing it so much, but in the forest, you expect to relax, and when you can’t…. you notice.

And I don’t even know why I can’t. Work, yes, webpage, yes, novel, yes, friends, yes, maybe I’m just doing too much. I had the feeling if I’d stayed in the woods a few months doing exactly what I did over the weekend–nothing, reading, walking, eating, nothing, star-gazing, book-store browsing, nothing–then I’d finally unwind. But there’s this thing called life, and it’s heavy and thick and full and it makes demands.

Today I finally have an appointment with that sleep specialist. After three plus months of waking up in the middle of the night and putting myself back to sleep with chemicals I finally am going to talk to someone about it.

Short work week this week, board meet Weds night and then it’s off to Vancouver. Very little will get done other than those things and maybe that’s for the best.

Dis/Inhibition

With Buffy being over and my uncertainty about next year’s Angel being at “If I think about it, I may go mental” proportions, I am going to start talking about other things in this here blog.

Like my novel. I really wanted to be farther along in this thing than I am right now. Would have been nice to have it near the publication stage before everyone at ATPo went scampering off to their lives and I could use my built-in audience to sell a piece of fiction that has absolutely nothing to do with the supernatural, the Buffyverse, or philosophy.

But *alas* I am in the editing stage, and I don’t see being out of the editing stage even by the end of this calendar year. The big hold-up in getting done, I suppose, was the website. But enough about that thing.

My novel. My novel is about Continue reading “Dis/Inhibition”

This just in…

I just got a video tape in the mail from the ATPo poster gds. Apparently there is this cable channel called “TechTV” and they have a show called “Screen Savers” about internet sites, etc. Anyway, last week’s show featured BtVS websites, and mine was one of them. My website was on TV! Of course, they did not tell me this would happen before hand. I heard about it from people on the board after the fact.

I don’t have techTV so gds sent me a video tape of the show. Now I’ll have to watch it when I get home… I’m all nervous!

Update!

OK, I saw the show “Screen savers” and can I say just how *geeky* that show is? Two total nerd middle-aged guys with pot-bellies standing around drinking coffee and arguing about LINUX and Terminator III. I sit through that for 28 minutes and then they pass the spot light to this woman, Heather, who is a Buffy fan who will show off a couple websites. The first one is mine. Ah!!! My site is so non-photogenic on television! Plus my heart was in my stomach the whole time. She showed off the metaphysics page and the Philosophies Represented page.

They pause briefly to discuss how Buffy is “like religion to some people” (and by implication, *me*), and then Heather starts showing this other site, the Buffy dialogue database, but she doesn’t introduce it by name first the way she did my site, she just says, “this site has blah blah…” so it makes it appear as if *my* site has this dialogue database.

This lasts about two minutes, but my hits on my website doubled the day this show aired and the next day as well, so that’s cool. And now I have it on tape and I can show it to Mommy and Daddy at the next family gathering….

The Buddha on Belief

The Buddha on Belief
from the Kalama Sutta

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe simply because it has been handed down for many generations. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is written in Holy Scriptures. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of Teachers, elders or wise men. Believe only after careful observation and analysis, when you find that it agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all. Then accept it and live up to it.”

Movies and books

Finished “The Man Who Fell to Earth” this morning. A little depressing. It’s heralded as one of the few “realistic” attempts to write about what it might be like to be an alien from outer space living on this planet. The alien comes here intending to build a ship to help the few survivors on his home planet come to Earth, but after five years actually living on Earth, he decides it’s better if all his friends and relatives back home die off and he himself becomes a pathetic drunk.

I’m sure there’s lots of themey goodness here about alienation, loneliness, the wretchedness of human nature and blah blah blibbitey blah, but I don’t get this whole it’s-only-realistic-if-it’s-depressing-and-pessimistic thing. Honestly, the human race has survived for milennia, and sometimes we’ve even had fun!

Which brings me to “Tuck Everlasting”. This was a little nugget. A tightly-plotted fantasy gem with uplifting themes like embracing life and the joy of family and you know, the kind of movie where the greedy snively little guy bites it at the end. Plus gorgeous forest scenery and wonderful prose that is probably from some original book it was based on.

I watch movies like this and after I’m done being misty-eyed at the end, think, “Why can’t I plot my stories like this?” It has the pensive, beautiful introduction to the main character and her basic conflict, the build up of tension with the whole we-might-be-discovered story line, the lazy, happy middle with the romance between Jesse and Winifred, and then the climax as the forces building up throughout the movie all come together–the greedy guy hunting down the Tucks, Winifred’s father actually suceeding in finding his lost daughter, the arrest of the Tucks and Winifred helping to free them. And in the process of knowing them, freeing herself. Well, freeing herself as much as an early-20th century woman could ever be free.

I think the climax in my own story happens in the middle of the novel and then things just sort of slide to a finish for the second half of the book. Hmmm. Hard to say with as many story lines as I’ve got.

The other movie I rented was a film-festival debut called “Under One Roof” about a gay man who rents an apartment in the home of a Chinese-American family in San Francisco. Of course, the Chinese son is gay himself, but living a closeted life with his mother and grandmother, who are trying to marry him off. This movie had some awkward production values and some mediocre acting, but it was very, very, sweet. The film-maker was obviously a professional, but on a very slim budget. It seemed as if he just got his neighborhood buddies together and said, “help me make a movie”.

But that was part of the appeal. You definitely felt like you’d stepped into somebody’s house and were just watching them live their lives. Had almost a “reality tv” feel for it, except with an actual plot and a homey warmth and genuineness to it you don’t get in those exhibitionist reality shows.

Give you hope that just showing people struggling to make things work–and succeeding for the most part–will still sell tickets. Or books.